Infected and raw throat, cough, fever . . . the whole nine.
When I called Elfini, mother of two and recent birthday girl, was she full of the caring sympathy that only a mother can give? No, she was full of something else. And it rhymed.
"Don't kiss your honey when your nose is runny, You might think it's funny, but it's snot."
Elfini and I used to talk on the phone after the bars closed. Obviously this is a long time ago, I'm only up at 3am now because as I've gotten older, I've developed the bladder of an 8 year old girl.
What did we talk about? Love lives, politics, the directions of our lives??
No.
It was all about bad TV. "You won't believe what I'm watching!" one of us would shout into a phone (actually wired into the handset). This was back before cable took over and latenight TV was glorious. There was the Love Boat episode with Andy Warhol; the works of American actor Tony Randall (The Seven Faces of Dr. Lao); and above all there was The Streets of San Francisco.
Initially, I wasn't sold. It was a bit campy, but I didn't think it was phone call worthy. I thought she was hooked because we were moving to SF that August and it was like a travelogue for her.
"No, watch Michael Douglas. He's in love with Karl Malden."
Then, I got it. Streets became mandatory late night viewing. That summer, we'd be at the bars, maybe go for late night Mexican, and make sure to be back in our beds by the time Steve Keller and Mike Stone looked longingly into each other's eyes.
Ah, youth and romance.
Anywho, it seems like CBS is looking to remake the series. Will they go all out and explore the dynamics of homosexual romance and touch the even edgier controversy of the Father/Son sub-culture here in Sodom.*
I mean, otherwise, just kick out another CSI and don't get our hopes up.
*Not kidding. Knew a guy who, every week, went to a special barber shop where he and his partner could play out the father/son thing.
I was all set to write about the salmonella tainted jalepeno the FDA found in Mexico. Yep, had a bit in mind about the problems posed about it's status as an "enemy condiment," the use of lime juice and cilantro for the waterboarding, how overnight Guantanamo turns from green to icky brown in the fridge.
Instead, I'm distracted by things I learned over my two week vacation.
How cool is this? At the new stadium, the Tigers start each game by playing Kiss' Detroit Rock City.
Montgomery Ward exists! It's an on-line store, incase you can't find enough poorly made crap at the nearest Wal-Mart. . . Sorry, I'm still bitter about the 1974 removal of the caramel corn machine at the Wonderland Store.
The San Francisco Chronicle can't be bothered to give coverage to local hockey club The San Jose Sharks, but they can give a quarter page to Fantasy Baseball. Not even a real sport. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Signs posted in Michigan road construction sites read: Injure/Kill a worker $7500, 15 Years in Prison. That's $500 a year.
I love the car radio. Especially all the guilty pleasures from small market stations that only tune in for a few miles. I went up to Truckee and Sacramento last week and here are my top five
Beth by Kiss I bought the 45 at Federals, in their record department. Watched the Paul Lynde Halloween Special that year to see Kiss perform the song. In some world, this makes me way cool.
All Summer Long by Kid Rock This one is new. It's the chords from Werewolves of London mashed with Sweet Home Alabama riffs. My favorite part is about catching walleye from the dock.
G Major Sonatina by Beethoven Ah, Beethoven. That wag.
Let's Go Crazy by Prince Complete with intro. In the front seat of my Focus, I totally rocked out. In no world does this make me cool.
They call me Bruce by Rick Springfield It must have been part of some '80s lunch show. This gag song was a minor hit when I was in the army. It is awful, awful, awful.
After consulting with experienced mothers, waitresses, and even mothers who are/were waitresses I can now tell you with authority that the correct amount to tip the unfortunate server stuck with a table of table vomit is 100% or $20. Bonus points for later writing a letter to the restaurant manager commending the outstanding service.
When trying to comfort a child post-vomit try this: "Sweetheart, you know the best thing about getting sick? You get to watch TV allllll day!"
Give the kid a mega-slurpee sized cup to hold on to while watching television for recurrences.
Hiccups are like the warning beeps you get when your cellphone is dying. Do not ignore them.
Vernors over ice: magic
Eight hours after the whole thing started, I'm in RockyCar waving goodbye to an improved Zoe and her brother.
Zoe: Rocky, thank you for staying with me until I feel better. Vincent: Rocky, thank you for letting me watch TV