Sain't Christopher

Insight

BRIE: Hey, we're gonna watch the debate tonight,
you're welcome to come over.
ME: I don't think I'd be good company for this.
BRIE: Aw, c'mon. It should be good for a couple of chuckles,
even if it is at the expense our children's future.

Go in Peace

MMMMMCCXLIX

I've had over 5000 hits.

I'd like to thank the academy, my friends, confused catholics and, of course, Kirstie Alley.

Go in Peace

Fifths

Gotta love seach engines, today’s golem. These are the last five searches that brought people to my site.

Saint Christopher Tattoo
Understandable mistake.

Hurrican Ivan Postcard
I can’t spell and typepad hasn’t put a spellcheck editor up yet. Oopsie.

help for single mothers hurricane Ivan
And this poor person gets the following stupid joke from me “Hurricane Ivan hit Mobile, Alabama today leaving in its wake two million dollars worth of improvements. Yeah, I’m an ass.

what are kathy lee gifford christian beliefs?
Wish I would have known that I would have gotten this, it would have been fun to answer

"Kristina turner" football
Bingo! A winner. Direct link to the story about her amazing, history making effort.

One out of five got what they wanted. One out of five got the exact opposite. Three out of five got an adventure. So, very glad I could accommodate.

Go in Peace

Fulfillment

Boys and Girls, these are the moments make it worth chewing through the restraints every morning:

Name: Lisa Email Address: thewatsonelf URL:

Comments:

Oh that's hilarious! You made me snort wine out my nose!

Joy de verve!

Go in Peace

Bidden Fruit

Because my sister and I now straddle either side of 40, because we haven't lived together for over twenty years, because we now realize that we have to build a bunker of unity against our parent's old age, and (mostly) because we now truly enjoy each other's company, I know that what she said was not meant to rankle me . . .too much. The last thing you learn to do with a sibling is the first thing your parents try to teach: PLAY NICE.

There might have been a little teasing, but it was gentle and I've grown up enough to take it as such. She knows how much I sometimes miss living back in Michigan and how much I especially miss Fall. Four years ago she went and took photos of the trees in their full color. Two years ago she mailed me actual leaves. Last year she tried to help me get a hold of the amazing Northern Spy, a financially impractical but worthy goal. No, this was playing nice- Mom would be so proud

"Chris, guess what? The Dexter Mill opened this weekend."

First, I have to explain that the Dexter Mill is not the one I went to growing up. As a kid we would go to the Franklin Cider Mill taking the long drive out Hines Drive, a two lane road on a flood plane banked with trees that hid the subdivisions and gave the illusion of a rural experience. And there we would get fresh cider. Then we'd turn around and come back.

Second, at the age of 17 I had my first truly romantic moment at a Mill. Like many high school couples, most socializing was done in groups. Movies, parties, school activities and just hanging-out was done with friends. Private moments were pretty much reserved for sex and, occasionally, studying. But one Sunday, a beautiful fall day, a day that was both warm and crisp with air sweetened by the sugars that were slowly caramelizing the leaves into beautiful colors*, I convinced her that we should go for a drive together, just us. We spent an hour there with our cider, sitting at a picnic table just talking and, for the first time, getting to know each other. It was sweet. In the movie I was played by River Phoenix.

Third, apple cider is not the same and fresh organic apple juice. No, cider is an amazing sensation; it is the experience of tasting Autumn. It was not my Mill. She has Fall and I don't. But still, there was no Hah! behind all this, not yet.

These experiences are not unique to me, but I treasure them nonetheless, and my sister must have her own similar experiences. She now lives a short drive from the Dexter Mill and can just happen to stop on her way home for half gallon. We talked about how it was still too warm, too early for the best cider- 'tho she said that it was still very good. I told her that this year I was going to make the trip to California's Apple Hill up in the foothills of the Sierras to get my fix. Two years ago a friend brought me a 1/2-gallon from his trip and I unashamedly slurped the whole thing down like rummy with the DT's. I would be fine, no need to pity me.

She was not trying to taunt me as such, but old habits do die hard and so she was compelled to mention the warm cinnamon doughnuts right before saying goodbye.

Now that hurt.

* This sentence is an example of why, when it comes to literary license, I'm still stuck with my learner's permit.

Go in Peace

Distraction 04:16

I'm sorry for the following, I can't help myself:

After all these years, Phil Spector once again #1 with a bullet

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Got tired of craigslist a few months ago, the best of's had gotten pretty stale and I had moved on to other sources of entertainment. But, much like Roseanne, I will trail out the old schtick in a pinch no matter how many millions I've made syndicating my first series. First post and I hit gold, love the photo.

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Almost any story that has a stipper pole in it is safe money, and I'm sure that this one is about par for the course. But, it did remind me of the funniest moment I've had at a club. KT and I went to Centerfolds one afternoon- first time together and maybe KT's first time. We were a bit drunk and were trying to not snicker like 10 year olds as we sat there with our oversized glow-in-the-dark soda cups. We'd sat half way through the set of a very flexible blonde who did some amazing things on the pole. Trying to be adult, we talked about the how nice and clean the place was, how the girl had some great thigh strength to go back up the pole, and how surprised we were at natural, surgical free, bodies most of the women had. The girl picks up her singles, blows a few kisses and leaves the stage. While the DJ is announcing the next dancer, some poor third worlder came out with a pair of kitchen gloves, a spray bottle, and some towels. It was his job to clean the pole between dancers. I mentioned to one of the dancers that he should really be tipped well, she said he was- the last thing you wanted was a sticky pole.

Everything said in a strip club becomes a double entendre.

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Okay, this is soooo cool. On the op-ed page of the Chron today was an open appeal to name the new span of the Bay Bridge after Emperor Norton I As soon as I find the petition, spam will be coming your way.

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Good news, The Tonight Show is getting better.
Bad news, Have to wait until 2009 for actual results .

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And you think Hollywood alone is bereft of good ideas.

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NYT story about life behind the line at Daniel (food geeks only).

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Three things to never discuss with the English: The need for a shot-clock in soccer, naval dominance, and sex .

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I’d almost recommend people go out and buy more Kerry Halloween masks, but don’t want to be responsible for all those people tripping over the jaw and putting an eye out.

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Next Birthday, Grandpa will lament that he had to give up sex too.

Go In Peace

Friend

For those of you who don’t know, KT is moving south at the end of the month. I’ve been working on a post for most of the last 3 weeks and haven’t been happy with it. How do you sum up 10 years of friendship, especially one like ours? I wasn’t comfortable with any of the efforts, none of them seemed to capture what this time has been like. So, tonight, since I couldn’t go out drinking, I decided to try again. My first move was to start a list of my favorite memories with her. After a very short while I was over 50. I got to a hundred twenty before my slice was ready (could have easily doubled it).

And this is what I have to show for a decade with KT, a heart full of good memories. I will tell everyone who will listen that I feel so very blessed to have such a great friend, someone that I have shared so much joy with. I honestly think I’m a happier, better person because of you.

Thank you, KT.

T H E _ L I S T
“You’re pretty. I’m drunk. Together- we’re pretty drunk!”

The “Hi, I’m Eddy” story.

How to find the Pelican at Muir Beach: First, get lost in Mill Valley, next pull up to a guy raking leaves who just happens to be a former bartender from the Pelican. Three, ask for directions. Works every time. Ta da!

"He dirtied ever pot and dish I own!"

The day Sandy Johnson ate the cheesecake.

Free drinks from the guy at the airport who thought we were going to Reno to get married.

We found the ruins of Jack London’s mansion.

She put me on shopping restriction after I bought the sweater.

The day Eva thought her ex, Dennis, was a gay prostitute.

Cows!!!!

“We have to get up early tomorrow, Ant owes someone a kidney.”

Desserts at Aqua.

Shooting pool at Rich's

Stalking Erica, having the band dedicate Someone To Watch Over Me as we bolt the restaurant.

The waitress at Ananda Fuara who chased us in the rain and stopped us from getting on a bus just to tell us that she couldn’t find us a cab.

In the Jeep, poking me with that damn spoon

Lost my credit card when I took her to Chez Panisse.

Johnny's Daddy was taking him fishing
When he was eight years old . . .

Tea Tour: Garden Court, Mark Hopkins, Compass Rose, Ritz, Lovejoys

Damn you, Tommy Tu-Tone!

Coffee and Baileys, clean closets at 4am

ME: Anne, tell your daughter her dress is riding up
ANNE: (Smack across the face) You shouldn’t be looking.

The fake cake incident.

Van der Heyden, first time, with CY

Didn’t have my credit card for dinner at Firefly

"C'mon, Katie. Let the cat bite you."

Sitting under the raisin tree

Why, Sabrina, you seem to have forgotten your shirt

Buy me a drink, turn me around, Chris meet Lona.

You have no Butt.

GET US HATS!

Watch Me Now!

"I need a friend"

Best birthday present: Caramel Corn from Chicago- both times!!

Turns out there is a limit as to how long one should feel a bra at Target.

Hangover breakfast: Egg McMuffin

Summer Lovin’ had me a blast,
Summer Lovin’ happened so fast

"Bud, who did this to you? Man, this ain't right, I gotta sleep with him."

Kiss Reunion Concert- did I ever apoligize?

At Mondavi for a concert, a Birthday Present-
“Um, maybe this isn’t the singer I was thinking of.”

"If I win, ponies and liposuction for everyone."

Judge Dredd, midnight show, opening night.

"What do you mean? I don't snore."

Thanksgiving pot luck for 25 of our friends who had to work that day.

Ordering KT style- all the apps, all the desserts.

"She lives in her own little Dawn-world."

The rule: I’m not allowed to buy anything a month before and a week after my birthday.

Gong Show marathon, complete with Sabrina and a tape measure.

"You have to walk Mom home."

Why Santa Says “Ho”

Best story: In Reno, ATMs are down, Katie takes a few dollars in coins and wins us cab fare to the airport, enough for drinks on the flight, and even covered the shuttles back in SF.

Mid life crisis/sports car joke at Target

Always three choices: laundry, swimsuit, or Target

Drinking sangria after the twins' 60th birthday party: Kisten, who lives on Stutter Street, no shoes, no wallet, no keys.

Why don’t they sing about Jersey, where the big tomatoes grow?

"Attention Missy Webber, your parents are waiting for you in the cosmetics department."

Once, you let me eat off my plate before you.

Sitting in your brother’s lap at my Birthday Party, “A love that dares not speak its name”

An elegant dinner with Marni- "This place smells just like ass."

“Okay, the trick is to buy one lottery ticket at each place.”

Telling Ant’s friend, the Hertz rental lady, that we desparately needed the car, we were going to Reno to get married and it was a surprise for Ant.

You know, they should have a way so you can push a button and your phone will make a noise, it’ll be easier to find, see all they'd have to do is. . . . RING, RING !!

Fixed my mom’s X-mas Gift of gloves

Spiders hockey games.

"You have to walk Ant home."

It’s time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars forever

Kirsten's wedding, my new suit.

"On the way back"

Philly Cheese Steak, Vietnamese Noodle Soup

Buying flowers that immediately were given to Mom, as it should be.

John, licking his lips.

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, Baby Jesus

1st batch of puppies: 4 gold, 4 white, 4 black

Foley's on X-mas eve.

Bangers and Mash

Buying Matt his first lap dance.

KT: Wow, you are gray.
ME: I asked how the pants looked

Kielbasa, Kapusta, and Perogi dinner in winter.

"You have to walk Shannon home."

New wallet with buzzer so I wouldn't lose yet another credit card.

Van der Heyden Late Harvest Cabernet and Zinfandel after a pot luck dinner

"Speak. Speak. What is it, boy?"

CY’s subtle way of telling me I might drive a bit slow:
“You want me to get out and push”

"Katie, You one hot cookie!"

Missing exit, ending up on Treasure island. Again.

You’re Pretty

Cab fare to the beach house $18.60

"You have to walk Ila home."

Starsky and Hutch

Singing “Peel me a grape” so Glynn has time to go to Walgreens

"Where’s your cell phone?"

Three days, two hundred e-mails, “Hi, my name is . . .”

Promising my niece that I will have help picking out presents.

Yes, you were telling the truth about the postcard from the Vatican.

Day trip with Karin and Luke to wine country over labor day

BBQ for my sister.

“I ain’t wrapped right or tight”

“No full length mirrors at their house”

Blue uns, growl

Puppies, batch two, 9 black

Jackie Chan’s The Tuxedo

"Hi, I’m Stosh and this is Stella Djobronski, we’re here to bowl in the no-tap, mixed doubles tournament."

Peeps out the windows for Easter.

Baby’s got back, and front!

Photos from trip to the Pinnacles, especially Lukes butt.

Buffalo Wings for dinner

PB&J lunch on the F-mont tower's fire landing, watching the fog come in

First she curled up in Ben’s lap, then mine, then yours.

Monroe Lake Memorial Brunches

Wrapping your own Christmas present.

It was me, not Ben, who kept leaving the toilet seat up.

KT: So the two of you are faux dating
ME: More like foe dating.

Her leading the family in chanting “one of us, one of us”

Oink, Cluck, Moo

Taking a 17 year old Hamster out for drinks

It started with going to the thrift stores, ended up in Napa

"Ummm . . . if I understood him, he thinks he had to break up with you because of musical differences. You know, like the Beatles."

Megan discovers that I have a rare skill. Two nights later I use it to get us seated in a busy restaurant.

. . .But not the good tarp.

Eat twice at 5 spice chicken on Califoria, get sick twice.

My god, look what happened to Air Supply!

An evening singing with Mom and John, drinking wine

Cocktails at Dewey's before X-mas

Laverne Baker having lunch in the F-mont employee Cafeteria

The pun game, thousands of e-mails.

Abba CD for birthday present (beginning of the end)

Sidecars, lemon drops and transvestite hookers through the window.

Champagne in the park

Dinner at Bocci, so very good that we go back not six weeks after food poisining.

Last batch of puppies, all mixed goldens, the small one named Ben.

"C’mon Paw-paw"

"I’m coming back over there to shit on him!"

And finally, perhaps most importantly: A cold rainy day in February we drove Katherine, my 1972 Chevrolet Impala, up to MeadowWood in Napa- I had a job interview. Due to the weather and distance the only station coming in was the oldies station, KFRC. We had both timidly sang along with the occasional tune on the way up. Heading over to St. Helena for dinner Midnight Train to Georgia comes on and we both went into full Pips mode, doing the moves and singing back up. You have to really feel comfortable with someone to release your inner dork.

Good Luck KT, Go in Peace

Honest Mistake

Follow these steps and it all makes sense. Yep, it all becomes an understandable humorous incident reminiscent of, say, the broad comic stylings of a Bustor Keaton and not at all the heartless tormenting of a homeless person.

Step one. I saw this photo of the Hamster's new tattoo.

Get a load of the hand under the arm with the tattoo. Freakish, no? I looked again and figured she must be posing with some large statue or perhaps one of those Cigar Indians. I became intrigued and meant to ask her about it.

Step two. I'm walking down the street on my way from work tonight. Did I say I was on vicodin? I've had a bad tooth for weeks. Okay, so did I say we'd been tasting chardonnay at work. We were, cheap ones. But the Bogle was surprisingly for $6 a bottle. Right, I'm walking down the street and I notice that there are piles of garbage every few parking meters. This happens alot 10 days out from the end of the month, people move and stuff goes curbside. And I had been at work for 13 hours on top of everthing else, I was yawning a lot. Now, I don't garbage pick but I am fascinated by the detritus of life and so I look. I'm right in front of the Pizza place in my building and in the pile I see a hand that looks very much like the one in this photo.

Cool! A freakish faux apendage free for the taking! Who wouldn't?

Step three. I grasp the hand and it grasps me back. Who would have ever thought there'd be a plus side vicodin induced constipation?

Step four. I scream like a 6 year old girl, this makes the homeless guy start yelling for me to leave him alone. Behind me a young hipster couple, grabbing a smoke while waiting for slices, come to the guy's aid, asking what the fuck was I doing and calling me an asshole. Giving them the honest answer, I only wanted his hand, probably wouldn't have made the situation better. So I mutter an apology to the guy and make for my door.

See, a simple misunderstanding- not unlike something off of a new FOX sitcom.

Go in Peace

Vanity

You're Betty Grable!


What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Yes, I will take any quiz on the net, thank you.

Go in Peace

Distraction 04:15

If you read far enough down in the article, you will learn that my incredible niece, Kristina Turner, made two after points in her first varsity football game. This girl rocks!

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Sweetest Day is coming and what could be cuter, funnier, or more adorable than getting your loved one a horse's head pillow, an offer of love she can't refuse?
Now that's Amore.

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This really grew on me, it's a site of senior photos taken off the net. Remember how simple it was? Get dressed up nice on a hot August morning, go to the studio and you had a choice of standing, sitting, or posing behind a chair. I remember that a couple of girls went fancy and brought flowers. Now it seems to be an audition for a reality show on FOX.

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And who doesn't like Bible humor?

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This week's too-much-time-on-hand championship goes to Jerry Lerma and Terry Hogan, proud creators of an interactive map of Simpson's hometown Springfield. Now, go meet some girls.

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With the whole split of the Mondavi corp we will now have two different companies selling us overpriced, middling quality wines. Thanks, guys.

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With only 13 weeks to go until x-mas, I'd better pick up the pace.
Here is another item on my list. Fa-la-la-la-la.

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I don't know WHY this creeps Mis Lis out SO much, but boy howdy does it ever.

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It should not go without acknowledgement that William Shatner won an Emmy for Oustanding Guest Actor in a Dramatic Series.
I kid you not.

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Go in Peace